I find myself wishing that each human came with a FAQ page. Guess I should lead by example. What follows is a user’s guide to Simone Smith, presented in the form of FAQs. If I’ve missed something, say so in the comments below and I’ll amend the manual.

More importantly, I recommend you make one for yourself! You would gain my unending admiration.

TOP FAQ

What does Simone think of me?
Chances are she likes you a lot. But is also rather intimidated by you. And in awe of you.

Where can I find the ___?
She doesn’t work here.

Where did Simone get those knee-high boots?
Nordstrom.com. They’re the BCBGeneration ‘Adrice’ Over the Knee Boot. Get your own. They’re currently $208.95 and they also come in brown.

Where did Simone get her aviator-style goggles?
A motorcycle gear catalog, but they don’t seem to be selling them anymore. Google aviator goggles and you’ll find them for sale at around $20.

Why does Simone not eat?
Because she is not human.

What will Simone drink?
Only hot water. But not too hot.

Why is Simone so busy?
She can’t stand to be left alone with her own thoughts.

Oh crap. I think Simone has a thing for me. How can I tell if she loves me?
Does she hate / resent you? If not, you’re safe. Not sure? Ask. If she responds in the affirmative, or, worse yet, blushes or verbally backpaddles, get away. Fast.

How many headbands / fascinators does Simone own?
37. They have three designated shelves and three additional boxes.

When are the best times to reach Simone / hang out with Simone?

• Reach: 8:00-9:30pm (PT)
• Hang out: Friday nights and Saturday/Sunday afternoons

Simone is best reached via email & text.

How often do exceptions get thrown or are edge cases found in Simone’s hard/soft/wetware?
Exceptions are higly unusual with regard to Simone Protocol; for this reason, the User Manual is of particular utility.

Are point releases scheduled, or can we consider this FAQ locked in stone?
Point releases are scheduled but are few and far between. Unscheduled releases take place pending bludgeons to the head (preferrably with frozen herrings).

CHARACTER

Is Simone serious?
Each thing and every thing Simone says is 50% sincere and 50% sarcastic.

What is Simone afraid of?
Everything. Especialy people. Especially you.

What is Simone good at?
Repeated. Blunt. Force.

Why is Simone so weird?
She is socially retarded. All cordial public behavior is an act.

Does Simone date?
No. Simone does not eat out, nor does she drink. And “just hanging out” strikes her as positively unproductive. She is also socially feral (see above). So dating is rather difficult. She is, however, in the market for a partner in crime. Stormtroopers and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are welcome to apply.

Is Simone capable of saying no?
Absolutely not, no matter how much she would be likely to say so. Simone does, however, find alternate ways to passive aggressively decline all sorts of invitations and offers (e.g. busy, sick, confused, dumb). Anyone willing to train Simone in the lost art of saying no will be greatly valued.

MANIPULATION

How do I make Simone angry?
Sneeze or cough into your hands instead of the crook of your arm. GROSSGROSSGROSS

How do I scare the crap out of Simone?
Tell her you love her.

How do I make Simone sad?
Express disinterest in the world.

How can I make Simone uncomfortable?
Compliment her.

How do I make Simone happy?
Talk with her about something geeky / tell her about your life.

How do I gain Simone’s trust?
Be brutally up-front and honest with her.

How do I gain Simone’s respect?
Tell her about something that fascinates you.

How can I get Simone to like me?
Mock, tease, or make fun of her.

How do I spark Simone’s interest?
Be mysterious and entirely disinterested in her.

What is Simone’s weakness?
Helmets. God knows why.

INTERPRETATION

Why is Simone avoiding me?
She is not actually avoiding you- she is being reclusive. Simone can only handle one social activity each day (and going into an office to work counts as social activity). If she does something social during the day, she has to be alone at night, and vice versa. If she does not get her alone time, she becomes a royal bitch.

Why did Simone not come to the thing I invited her to?
See above response. Chances are Simone already reached her social capacity for the day, and even though she WANTED to go to your thing, she had no choice but to shy away from humans like vampires hide form the sun (and yes, she does hiss).

What is Simone’s gift policy?
She prefers to do fun stuff (think: skydiving / scavenger hunts / movies / hikes) instead of acquire things, so her favorite gifts to give and recieve are experiences, not objects. She also prefers to give / recieve things when appropriate – not on arbitrary dates. NEVER feel obligated to give Simone a gift. If you really want to give her something meaningful, tell her about something you’re passionate about or teach her about something interesting.

How can I tell when Simone is stressed?
Her hands turn purple.

How can I tell when Simone disagrees with me?
She blinks a lot.

How can I tell when Simone is nervous?
She talks a lot, laughs, and smiles.

Is Simone evil?
Yes.

SOMETHING MISSING?

Say so! And if you want to be super cool, make your OWN user manual.